Pink Rabbits - The National

I can mostly do it on my own, you know?

Like I’m usually single and I’ve mainly lived on my own. I can keep myself alive (mainly). I can cook, keep plants alive (mostly), look after friend’s pets, keep my place looking decent (ish). People trust me with their kids (sometimes) even.

I’m not bad, you know?

I’m not great either. I smoke too much, drink too much, exercise too little (or not at all) and am prone to wallowing in my own shit for as long as I can stand it (figuratively - though refer to the above regarding my place).

It gets tiring doing it on your own, you know?

Some days you’re just checking shit off the life list like it’s no big deal and the next day – well the next day you’re watching a whole season of crap television because no one cares if you broaden your mind. You’re the one who has to care about that. And that’s tiring. It’s tiring, it gets depressing and it gets lonely. And you’re going to have to do it tomorrow too.

Don’t get me wrong, some days you get to revel in doing it on your own. You can do what you want, when you want. You can say yes to that concert or a last minute dinner party. Want to stay out until 4 am? No big deal, just do it. 

And the next day, when you’re feeling happy for the experience and maybe sporting a small hangover, the smile fades, wondering who you’re going to tell your life to.

“You said it would be painless,
It wasn’t that at all.”

You Can't Win - Dolorean

you think it's never going to kick in
and i'm ok with it now
this song is like a mantra and taunt all in one
and after the shit-pile i've been wallowing in
it feels like rock bottom
it feels like letting go

you can't win
who would know better than me?

Faces of Death - Ladyhawk

for me, it's hard to pick a favourite ladyhawk song
i think a lot of fans could say the same thing
during a show at the biltmore a couple of months ago, with my ragtag group of friends in tow
almost the whole crowd sang along with duffy and the guys in the band
energy was limitless, we bounced, people crowd-surfed
and yet my throat constricted with an imaginary noose when this song came on
and i felt like a teenager with my angst and oh how the singer is talking directly to me, and i blushed and felt young and useless and in awe
i felt adoration and i felt the noose
i stopped for a second and became a modern fan, snapping a video for a friend that couldn't make the show
something - anything to clear my throat again
wishing for someone by my side, wishing for unspoken communication with anyone
i don't want to have to shut you up when this song comes on in the car
i want you to sit back and listen
i want you to look out the window and feel this song rip your heart up like it does mine
and let the perfect chords - a mix of slow and driving - lull you into thinking this song is really just a diary entry you wrote

and now, months later, i listen to the song to get into the groove of writing this post
i press repeat, repeat, repeat, plus five times or more
because i know there's no such thing as endless love

Behind the Garage - Eric's Trip

"you're all minor chords"
not said condescendingly
but knowingly
and damned if it isn't true
and always has been
when the end of october draws near and i retreat into my shell,
battling the season and my moods
and i don't understand anyone
and all i have is this growing lump in my throat, a brick on my heart
maybe this year you'll send me major chords and pictures of cougar prints in the snow
and i can think back to last night and not endlessly repeat to myself -
what would you like to talk about then?
since everything i say doesn't make sense...

so was it the caffeine that kept us up?

Dead Crow - Songs:Ohia

this morning, a busy morning by all accounts and i have little time for my usual google perusing
but a name catches my eye and like all good times that come to a halt -
jason molina, the singer/songwriter/guitarist for songs:ohia/magnolia electric company drank himself into his grave at the age of 39
when i dream about my perfect life/house/guy i dream first of a cabin - somewhere near enough to a city that has good live music and food
i dream of the kitchen
i dream of the floor to ceiling shelves filled with books, vinyl and cd's
i dream of acoustic guitars hung nicely on a wall
and i dream of jason molina singing to me
it's all in his voice and how he sings with the emotion of the lyrics present in the song
how you can't separate them
how i dream of roadtrips with nothing but his voice and me, the car, the highway
and this song, that holds my favourite lyrics of all-time, makes it onto my list
regardless of his death, it would've been here anyway

i'm getting weaker. i'm getting thin. i hate how obvious i have been.

R.I.P. Jason

That's What's Up - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

sometimes i narrate to myself instead of myself
like do you know how lucky you are
18 years later
how very blessed
to call your best friend your best friend
the hesitation has never been there
egos that use to battle have stilled approaching maturity
and a depth of pride unimaginable in yourself
fells you in the other

you be the bird, i'll be the feather
we'll be the best of friends forever

Think (let tomorrow bee) - Sebadoh

i have regrets that don't really add up to much
truly, i think i've taken the shittiness out of old situations
though i may not have necessarily learned from those situations
i don't crucify myself for where they went wrong
however, i do have this one regret
i said it outloud the other night to someone
and though i don't regret who i slept with first
i wish i had slept with you
if you read this - and i'm not sure if you do and i'm certainly not going to be sending you the link to this post -
just know that so many years later, i still think this
and i'm still so thankful for the part you play in my life, however small it is now
i'm so thankful for all the music you have given me over the years
to me,
this is our song
i hope you don't mind too much

all i ever wanted, was to feel you closer to me