i have regrets that don't really add up to much
truly, i think i've taken the shittiness out of old situations
though i may not have necessarily learned from those situations
i don't crucify myself for where they went wrong
however, i do have this one regret
i said it outloud the other night to someone
and though i don't regret who i slept with first
i wish i had slept with you
if you read this - and i'm not sure if you do and i'm certainly not going to be sending you the link to this post -
just know that so many years later, i still think this
and i'm still so thankful for the part you play in my life, however small it is now
i'm so thankful for all the music you have given me over the years
to me,
this is our song
i hope you don't mind too much
when i lived in toronto
there was a strict(ly awesome)
saturday morning routine to follow
get up
go for brunch
go to the record store
purchase music
come home
smoke some weed
and zone out on the couch listening to said purchases
i remember coming home with AmAnSet's Know by Heart album
i distinctly remember lying on the couch at mine and allan's place on marchmount
yelling to allan, who was probably napping, to "COME LISTEN TO THE PERFECT PAUSES"
a bleary-eyed allan, comes scowling out of the bedroom - not a harsh scowl but deserved (i had a habit of waking up allan for spectacular non-events such as the ear-wig incident of 2003 which occured around 4 am one morning...)
while i played choir vandals for him and he looked at me, while i looked at him with an undoubtedly deranged look on my face whenever i thought these "perfect pauses" arose
"do you hear them? do you hear it? do you?" i would've asked him over and over again
and knowing allan he probably shrugged, walked out of the room, then spun around to ask me:
"do you think it might be the weed?" before slinking off for a smoke and a glass of pepsi
so guys,
do you hear them?
do you?
this past year, i started hooking up my walkman (yes, the tape kind, kids)
to my stereo
which means i have access to mixtapes that are at the very least,
a decade old
funny
my best relationships started with a mixtape
(some of you may even have a Pudding Pop Productions Presents somewhere in a drawer)
and i still have them all
the mixtapes, that is
i can package up my best heartbreak into this one song
one that trips me up every once in awhile
surprising that it's a hip-hop song, in a way
it's who the song ties me back to that makes sense
the song i fell in love with him to cuz well, what is the look of - it's got something to do with ummm?
the best downtempo jazzy break runs through the entirety of the song
screw the lyrics - they're misogynistic
but you know the look of...
so i'm sitting in the denver united airlines lounge
wasting away my life on free drinks and shitty snacks
thinking about what's the next song to make it onto this epic madness/mixtape i'm compiling vis a vis this little here blog
i'm thinking about what music and voices i can't live without
a go-to
a fall-back
a necessity
an absolute must
i dunno - my entire life savings (hahahahaahaha) for will sheff to sing me to sleep
for him to scream hoarsely almost like a man about to snap
or to croon like a lounge singer
once upon a time last year i had tickets to go see okkervil river
i spent the whole proceeding months with this thumping in my chest knowing i was going to hear will sheff live
and it wouldn't matter what song they played or what song he sang, i'd be entranced by the level of emotion he exuded
i was jazzed
then of course i decided that i'd rather get laid - out of province, no less - than go to a concert
well, to be truthful, i had to go out of province for work but i could've somehow managed to make it back for the show but instead stayed for a guy
i should've somehow managed to make it back for the show
as pops sometimes says "always make sure the fucking you're getting is worth the fucking you're getting"
yeah, well
digression much?
so here i am, in this lounge
a throwback to the early 90's at best
trying to drown out the sounds of CNN on the tv
when okkervil river plays through my ears
and i regret not going to that concert for the millionth time this year
please stop ignoring the heart inside, oh you readers at home!
or i'm trying to remember what bands i liked the most
and while i liked bands, i wasn't blown away by bands
except jason isbell
which takes me back to a concert 4 years past now
at the media club
a tiny little space meant for adoration
and a band i'd heard of but never heard - and a singer shunned, a marriage broken
2 songs hit me that night - gutpunched me as i swayed with a drunken Dario and an even drunker Grant
4 years later it was the same 2 songs that pulled me under a second time
let's just pick one for now, save the other one for the depths of winter minor chords
i'm sure this song is a favourite of many drive-by/jason isbell fans
maybe it's the melancholy mood
maybe it's so trite and simple
i am almost always alone - oh fucking go cry me a river, right?
seriously though, here i am, hearing two of my desert island song picks, outside on a beautiful end of summer night under the space needle, alone but for the couples swaying next to me and 100 proof vodka to kill this goddamn lonely, goddamn lonely love
and so i stood there, barefoot in the grass
wondered how a broken heart could get any better than this song
thought we were due for a change or two around this place...
sometimes you need a perfect mix of old rock, think jethro tull, mixed with the bands that started the whole name "indie"
sometimes you need classically trained jazz musicians to diverge from their roots and make music that i can imagine blasting driving through the prairies
another one of those bands that as soon as i heard them i wondered how i could've possibly not known about them
then again, i'm not all that surprised by what i don't know either
3 posts in, i guess i should explain why the need for this blog anyways
i'll say half of it comes from a bit of boredom and then listening to the heart-swelling Pale Seas song - before the day was out i'd already linked the song to a bunch of friends but on that silly platform of facebook, i didn't want to explain what the song did to me - what i heard when i heard it - on facebook
and i like writing more than talking
though some may disagree on that point
the other half - the most important half
came from being on the island with my dad a few weekends ago
my dad is not technologically inclined
though he has one of those little wifi laptops that can handle email, the internet and getting football scores
it by no means has the memory or speed to store/download or listen to music
instead
the old man has a 300 disc changer
and a clipboard with a list from 1-300 of every disc in there
we were sitting in his living room and a song came on
i asked what/who it was
and he said "ah, this is so and so and it's one of my desert island songs"
so i asked him if he had a list of his desert island songs...
yet another clipboard was pulled out and he ran through his list, many songs i didn't know
i asked him to play them for me
all the while thinking of what would be on my list
needless to say,
Beirut makes it onto both of our lists
to my friends reading this, it will come as no surprise that Beirut makes it onto this list
i have seen Beirut perform 3 times and have taken my Dad twice, he would've come the third time if it wasn't for a problem he's having with his eye
i'm pretty sure i know their entire repertoire by heart and i could pick many songs for this list
but the one that has stuck with me the most comes in at a whopping minute and 41 seconds
from their split album of spanish funeral marches on the first half and somewhat electronic synth pop on the latter half - it's the brass section i go for first and every time
when On a Bayonet comes in with the deep tuba and trumpets it's so absolutely fucking sad -
it is a death march, after all
when the clarinets and oboes come in, there's a redemption - maybe a high-note of life in death, i don't know
i'm not here to analyze what Zach Condon was thinking about when he wrote it
but the song stops me everytime and when i'm on that mythical island, waiting for my time
this song will march me to the other side
once upon a time, i thought that in my future career i'd pick music for film and television
when i'd hear a particularly poignant piece of music
i'd make a music video in my head
or a snapshot out of a film/storyline/idea to it
but let's let bygones be bygones on dreams i haven't realized
instead, let's remember the songs that were perfectly suited to their scenes -
like elliott smith's needle in the hay in the royal tenenbaums
last christmas, after the throes of family discontent and gatherings had diminished
and i was left to my own lazy devices
i plowed through 3 seasons of Son of Anarchy
i don't think i cried throughout the entire show at all - mainly because i'm a heartless bastard
then, during an emotionally charged scene (oh internal struggles, you)
mark kozelek's voice drifted in
and i smoked a cigarette while tears made hot little tracks down my face
patiently waiting for the episode to end
so i could find the song
and post it near and wide
to all my friends
titling it
"no this is not my guitar..."
yesterday, i found a song that breaks my heart
i've had a few of those songs in my past
where upon hearing them, i just wanted to overdose on them
i sent a link to a fellow music-lover friend saying
"you know when a song is so good - like the chord progression is everything you want it to be that it makes you so happy you become depressed?"
his response was
"i'm more like this makes me so happy i wanna smash it - feeling."
it's not even the lyrics
it's the whole droney-ness of the guitars and bass
with this crisp guitar overtop
and stripped drumming
it makes my chest ache and my eyes water
today, i want to end my world with this song bleeding through my ears
